29 and SO Alive
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Last week I turned 29, and for the first time in a long time, I feel… SO alive🌈🦋🌻
My heart is bursting at the seams, my skin is clear, and people have noticed: I’m glowing. I’m happy. So happy. I feel rooted into the ground, blooming brightly amongst all the turning colors of the trees. Fall always felt like it was about loss and losing, Winter, about hibernation and rest. But my world was turned upside down and I spent Summer and Spring in my little sanctuary (my bedroom), healing and processing… and now all I want to do is RUN.
I want to roll around in the grass, even though it’s covered in frozen dew every morning when I wake up. I still want to roll in it because I’m grateful there is grass to roll around in and streets to run down, and music to sing to; there’s even my voice, which has finally come back, so now I can belt Don’t Rain on My Parade like Barbara, herself, is watching.
Magic continues to unfold around me and it’s making me giddy with an excitement I usually reserve for Christmas. Something in me is different, more whole, less sad and hurting. I think maybe it’s gratitude. I’m overwhelmed with it and now it’s seeping out of my pores.
The past year has been so much and so heavy but I’m here feeling lighter and brighter than ever, still holding onto hope and my relentless faith that my life, my pain, my story have always had purpose. We don’t suffer in vain. I believe that firmly. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and I welcome that now more warmly than ever.
Good and bad flow and it’s up to us to trust that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I’m grateful for the challenges, for the struggles, for the love; for all of it. My faith has shown me that I have never suffered in vain; that there has always been a purpose to everything that I’ve gone through. Even if I didn’t/don’t understand it or even if it takes me years, I have faith that my struggles have a purpose.
Trust is more valuable than certainty. My track record shows that I am strong and brave and taken care of. I’m still here aren’t I?💗 I spent a lot of time telling myself, mine was a story of hardships and struggle. And I believe that energy flows where intention goes. Our words have power. So I’m writing a new story now. One of gratitude for the abundance, grace and joy already in my life. Here are 29 things I am grateful for:
My body, that feels healthy and strong and bright.
My parents who have been helping me financially and it’s been huge to learn how to ask for help.
Learning how to receive said help. It’s harder than it seems for some of us!!
My brother who has been training me in the gym (she’s lifting weights now!! Who is she!!)
My dogs, Clementine and Gracie, who bring so much laughter and joy into my home.
Speaking of home.. my beautiful bedroom that became my sanctuary
My bedazzled bed!!! I sleep in a literally bejeweled chariot that transports me through my dreams.
My ANGEL boyfriend/partner in crime, who has been my rock for the past year, which insanely enough is the entire time I’ve known him. What can I say, sometimes miracles show up looking like blonde, blue eyed architects who show you, you are worthy of receiving love even when you have nothing left to give.
My ideas. God am I grateful I never stop having creative ideas. I don’t always have energy or motivation, but I always have ideas.
My best friend moving back to my city and us supergluing ourselves together again.
Coconuts. Coconut oil, coconut milk, coconut cream, coconut sugar. Coconuts have allowed me to make healthy desserts and treats and for that, I am eternally grateful. Also, it’s simply the BEST moisturizer??? Go off.
Twinkly lights. They add the most perfect glow to any space (and they are so cheap!!).
Theater Camp, the movie. This is my favorite movie I’ve seen this year. I grew up doing theater and this movie really nailed the sheer comedy and joy of that time in my life. I’ve watched it 5 times already and will probably watch it a couple more before the year ends. I can’t recommend it enough— a *perfect* film!
In the past year I’ve discovered new food brands that have really become staples for me with my new diet/lifestyle. Some of the brands that I am so grateful exist: Jovial brown rice pasta for lasagna and the best gluten free pasta out there; Chomps beef sticks for quick protein snacks and charcuterie boards; Simple Mills for pancakes, pizza dough, and pumpkin muffins; and Siete (a Latin owned brand!!) for tortillas, tacos, chips, and sweet treats :’)
Sleepovers with my friends. I am 29 years old and I will have sleepovers with my friends until the day I die.
My new camera. In October, my beloved Mark iii just died one day, leaving me without the most important tool I need for my work. Screaming gratitude for my dad, who swooped in to help me replace it.
Traveling. I’ve traveled a lot with my boyfriend in the past year, which has been amazing considering all the health ups and downs I’ve experienced. The fact I’ve been able to go to the beach so much and to cities I’ve never been to, has been so special to me.
Doing my nails! I learned how to do my nails when the pandemic started and now it’s one of the things that brings me the most joy. If you haven’t peeped the “Nails” highlight tab on my instagram… it SLAYS.
Therapy and my mentors. I am so well resourced with people that care about me and help me to process my emotions in healthy and spiritual ways.
My boyfriend’s cooking. Obsessed with him and the INSANELY delicious food he makes me (insert sobbing emoji). I’ll meet my friends for pizza and pull out my little Tupperware with filet and salad and I'm not even sad I can’t have the pizza!!! It’s the little things :’)
Arts and crafts. Everyone should make time for arts and crafts. It’s like chicken noodle soup for the soul.
My voice coming back!! I can sing in the shower again :’) I’m SO grateful.
My hair is growing so fast and long! I spent most of the past year trying to avoid brushing or washing my hair because it would just fall out in clumps. SO grateful for hormonal balance.
Grateful for my coffee enemas. It’s not TMI, I will shout it from the rooftops. I freaking love doing my coffee enemas and feel the best I’ve ever felt in my body; I attribute it to the combination of treatments and detoxes and habits I’ve adopted in the past year— my favorite being my coffee enemas.
Redecorating my studio in my parent’s house. It took me a while to get on board with not being able to move out, like I wanted to. Cancer is very expensive and I guess right now it just wasn’t meant to be. In accepting what I have (and not focusing on what I don’t), I am now finding joy in redoing the space I’ve been in. There’s magic in everything and I’m finding it once again in the corners of this room.
Getting to have a birthday cake made with all my special ingredients so that I could have REAL cake for the first time in over a year.
Opportunities for dream jobs that fell through. You might wonder why I am grateful for dream opportunities not panning out. Of course, I was sad and even heartbroken when I learned they went with someone else or in a different direction. But ultimately, my tears led me to realize how grateful I am to have a career doing something that I love SO MUCH that I am devastated when things don’t work out. It shows me that I care, and I am in the business of only doing things that I love and care about. These almost-opportunities also showed me how in tune I am with my dreams and my purpose. To have been in the running, to have been considered, to have had my work shown to these dream clients IS the miracle. So even though I didn’t get them, I see how close I am to the things I want for myself, and that fuels me to keep dreaming.
Speaking of dreams, I am grateful for my spirit, which is vast and bright and capable of dreaming so, SO big. My mom jokes that if you tell me to reach for the stars, I’m going to go get Saturn and Pluto while I’m at it. She’s not wrong, and I’m grateful that my dreams are giant and relentless. Life would be so dull without them.
Lastly, the birthday party of my dreams that I’m pretty sure healed my inner child. There was a magical candle-lit dinner, followed by the most beautiful cake I’ve ever seen, a thyroid/butterfly crafting session, and precious gifts, all surrounded by whimsical twinkly lights, streamers and flowers. My friends loved on me and we celebrated my life and the abundance of health I proclaimed over all of us. It was sheer MAGIC.
This Friday, I’ll be sending out a Substack to my paid subscribers going into details about my dreamy birthday party; how I planned and designed it and pulled it off. I’m honestly so excited about this post because this party came together EXACTLY the way I dreamed it and it was a massive labor of love. Idk how many people are out here creative directing their own birthday parties… but I am, if anything, consistent. See you Friday ;’)
