Hall Pass
a highly personal one...from my field journal, circa 2020
My blood
it boils with anger.
The leaves have all fallen from the trees
it’s near the end of Fall.
Another two years have come
and gone now
I’m older
wiser
stronger.
But my time is up and freedom’s gone.
A star:
my label
my spirit
my limit.
A reminder of what is almost, quite, not exactly yet mine.
It’s a wave of freedom
a hall pass
that leaves a lingering taste of salt souring my tongue.
It’s cruel
it’s evil
it’s villainous.
To make me pay for crimes I didn’t do.
“How generous,” I smile
“a blessing”.
I’ve been trained well in what to say and how to move.
I hate you, I love you, America.
You’re quite possibly the strangest Lover of them all.
You push me
you pull me
you drag me
you bury me.
You add my number to your roll.
I’m one more star
—a DREAMer—
in the nightly array that’s set to blow the cosmos away.
A key thread in your tapestry that, if you pulled
I know you’d soon regret.
I’ve brought you light and color and kindness.
I’ve paid my dues with no return.
I’ve bowed my head
kept silent
I’ve given everything
there’s nothing left in here to burn.
You’ve pushed too far and taken
my peace
my light
my happiness
my joy.
You chewed me up and spit me out.
And I keep trying to win a round.
But no amount of work and struggle
is ever good enough for you,
I know.
I’m young and tired
and feeling hopeless.
It’s closing time
but where’s my home?
It feels so vulnerable for me to share this piece that I wrote sometime in 2020, right after going through the process of renewing my DACA for the fifth time. I could share some of the most traumatic moments that I’ve experienced because of being an immigrant, specifically an undocumented immigrant, but given the context of our current climate, I feel exhausted and on edge and not very willing to dig deep into my wounds for the sake of making a case for myself or my family.
Immigration is trauma. I don’t think people realize this enough. The act of leaving one’s home, one’s family, one’s everything… is not a choice people make lightly. I wish people would have more empathy for that. I think a lot of people feel generally removed from the topic of immigration. For some, I imagine, it feels like it’s something that doesn’t really affect them, so they don’t feel a need to prioritize mental space to care much about it. The reality is that immigration affects everyone. I don’t believe we should have to personally experience a specific trauma to care about others who do.
Sometimes I feel so small, shouting into a void where my voice has no impact or effect on anything. All I can do is show up with my faith and hope that empathy wins above all.
For more resources on DACA check out the links below:
- https://www.higheredimmigrationportal.org/policy/daca-what-you-need-to-know/
- https://usahello.org/immigration/daca-news/#:~:text=You%20will%20also%20be%20able,program%20because%20of%20court%20rulings.
- https://www.fwd.us/news/daca-employer-guide/
mourning with you💗