January Blues
how one color can hold so much.
I associated January with the color blue. Not a bright, Summery blue, but an icy, pale, frosted blue… with hints of midnight and royal blue. And silver. Little flakes of silver glitter sprinkled throughout. It’s not even like I saw a single snowflake or anything to inspire this, I just found myself thinking in shades of these colors this month.
January brought cold and icy feelings, a lot of reclusing (is that even a word??) and staying indoors to preserve warmth. In the little nest I made for myself, I spent my days pondering: I’m mourning the loss of who I used to be.
I’m grieving my voice, which doesn’t come out the way it used to or let me sing the songs I want to sing. This makes me angry and irritable. So everyone calls me “agresiva”. It hurts my heart a little bit (maybe a lot) to feel misunderstood. I don’t enjoy hurting people, but in my deep, cathartic need to survive, it seems I am. My spirit ran out of patience months ago and all that’s sustaining me is my ability to feel. Maybe it’s not helpful to those around me that lately, mostly what I feel is anger and… irritated. I feel I deserve the space to be human in my most ugly, raw, and primal form. I deserve to be a comet flying full force through space, burning in rage. It irritates me that everyone else has to endure my explosive debris. This is me in survival mode and I haven’t found the balance of this yet. I’m trying and I wish people would understand that.
I’m grieving the foods I can’t (shouldn’t) eat on my new “Cancer Diet”. I’m grieving my loss of physical stamina, and even the little muscle I used to have. I’m grieving the plans I wanted to accomplish but didn’t get to even make. I’m grieving both the past and the present. I’m grieving where my focus doesn’t get to be.
I want to go to New York. I want to see Funny Girl on Broadway. I want to eat a $1 slice of cheese pizza that soaks the paper with so much grease it drips through and stains my jeans. I want to walk around the park for hours and find a quiet space where I can sit on a big rock and look at the water with the skyline peeking out from behind. I want to feel the cold New York air on my face. Even though I hate the cold, I want to feel it to know that I’m alive, not just a shell of girl. I want to spend my money traveling and buying fancy face masks and fuzzy platform boots, but I grieve every time I have to use my money to pay for my monthly supplements and therapies instead. I grieve and I am grateful. They go hand in hand for me like miracles and chaos. I experience both constantly because life is complex that way.
One of my doctors was talking to me about the spiritual side of my journey with thyroid cancer— what my body could be trying to tell me, the spiritual aspect to the connection between my soul and my thyroid. What does she want to say? Why does she no longer serve me? Why is she shaped like a butterfly and even though I attract butterflies into my life like moths going towards a flame, the one butterfly shaped organ inside of me does not want to stay. I’m grieving this loss that will be permanent and transformative. I’m grieving the person I no longer get to be.
Dr. Monica tells me, I have to “release her”. I can never be that girl any more because that was then and this is now. I’m being forced to change. I can fight this, or I can accept it, make the best of it, and step into my new form. Transform. I admit, I am trying so hard to receive this, to assimilate it into my heart and bones and let it become a part of my genetic makeup. Because I want to be this higher version of myself. I want to move like water and be fluid and gracious when life disrupts my current.
Back to “blue”.
Blue is an interesting color, because we associate it with a lot of things. There are blue eyes and blueberries. Bruises can be blue, but so are your veins. You can listen to Blues music and you can paint with a million different variations of the color blue. You can also be “down with the blues” or “in a sea of calm”. And what color is the sea? Blue. It amazes me how one color can be associated with both sadness and peace.. two conflicting ideologies, in my opinion.
When I’m sad, I don’t have peace about what is causing me to be sad. Hence, why I am upset by it. This month has been waves of sadness with little glimmers of me searching for peace. Here’s to transformations, even the ones we dont want to accept, but get thrust upon us anyway. Here’s to all the shades of blue that we get to experience. Here’s to peace and stillness and rest. Here’s to New York still being there in the Summer. Here’s to grieving, and feeling, and healing too.
A little update: I’m going to be activating the option to become a paid subscriber to this substack. I’ll still have a weekly-ish newsletter that will continue to be free, but I wanted to offer special content for those who’d like to support me in building this space further!
I’ve been loving my time on Substack so much and during this time that I haven’t been working, rather focusing on healing and rebuilding my body, the art I’ve been making to share here has brought me a lot of purpose and joy. I’m beyond blown away from the response I’ve had to this newsletter and I just want to keep going.
Upgrading to paid subscriber helps support me making art for a living. I want to keep growing this space, dedicating as much time as I have been and making cool art for you all. Whether it’s writing, collages, phone screen wallpapers, or other fun ideas I’ve been brainstorming, I’m excited to start sharing exclusive content with you guys!
As a preview of what you’d get, should you upgrade to paid, I wanted to share:
-my mood board for the month of January (you can expect downloadable monthly mood boards for good vibes and positive affirmations)
-a download link for a iPhone and iPad screen wallpaper (upgrading would give you access to the my whole collection of wallpapers, with new ones being released each month)
-paid subscribers will also receive exclusive newsletter with personal updates, behind the scenes content on work related projects (photography, directing, etc), recommendations, reviews/various rants about things that are important to me, exclusive digital artwork, and even some possible mail (the kind I put stamps on and everything!!).
Thanks for being here and supporting my dreams. Little me would be passed out on the floor if she knew I got to be what I wanted💗
