The Dreamer
on satisfaction and the magic of letting go
I never found it difficult to dream. In fact, it was always the opposite that gave me a hard time. Being minimalistic…grounded… realistic… that’s where I struggled. Even deciding whether to end that sentence with “struggle” or “struggled” is a testament to my tendency to overthink. But words are power and I don't want my story to be one of active struggle. So, “-ed” it is.
In my dreams, awake or asleep, I can transport myself to a universe of magic and color where hope is abundant and my faith is the steady steering wheel I navigate to my grandiose destinations. As a child, my imagination was a whole universe teeming with life and possibilities. But it was also survival. There was little appeal in being tethered to the land I found myself living in. I learned to make the most of my cold and grey circumstances, and the result was art.
All kinds of art. Painting, drawing, pottery, directing, creating— I was always creating. In some way or another, I was born to create. Creating allowed me to transform the apartment we lived in— the one with the matted blue carpet that reeked of someone else’s cigarettes and the windows my mother wouldn’t let us look out of— into a stage or a magical fortress. I’ve spent my life creating magical spaces, magical scenes, magical characters— all iterations of the ideas that make nests in my brain.
I have grown to love many mediums because I simply cannot tell the stories with just one. It doesn’t come naturally to me. Even now, as I write, I feel the words bubbling up inside of me, rushing and gurgling their way to the top of my throat faster than I can type. My instinct to make the words jump off the page and become visuals is overwhelming. But I’m learning that not every impulse needs to be entertained.
In my quest to make my reality match the life of whimsy and color that I’ve learned to create, I realize that I lost the ability to be satisfied. Things can always be bigger, finer, grander, more exceptional than before. And this can be exhausting. In wanting more, I end up waiting; sitting on ideas and works that are good enough as they are.
Since immigrating to the US, I’ve lived in a constant state of fight or flight. My dad always says, “cuando no es una cosa, es la otra”, “when it’s not one thing, it’s another”. Peace always felt like an illusion that was far beyond my reach and possibly not even real.
Has anyone living ever truly experienced it?
Has anyone here ever found a way to make the feeling last?
Peace is ultimately about surrendering— a satisfaction, of sorts, that allows you to rest within your circumstances. The quiet voice in my head, the one I know to trust, tells me it’s possible. It tells me to trust the process, the timing of my life, and the purpose that is unfolding. I can have peace, and I can be satisfied, knowing that I am enough, that I’ve done enough, and that when or if the time comes for more, the signs will be clear.
In a world that feels devoid of goodness at times, color and light and love— these are the things that save us. Our ability to play through the waves that are crashing onto us is our resilience and now more than ever, I believe it's the only way through. I had a vision— no, I have a vision for this work and other works I’ve been holding onto. Disappointment tried to taint the alchemy that occurred when the stars were hung to bring these images to life, but I let go of it now. It doesn’t serve me.
Magic does more when we put it out into the world. And I’m proud of the small role I get to play on this planet— cultivating a field in my mind, rich and supple, ready to nourish every seedling of an idea that takes root up there. These ideas become dreams, and quickly they evolve. This wasn’t and isn’t the full idea, but this is good enough because it’s ready to be seen. It’s been ready. I kept waiting for the rest of the dream to materialize, but maybe it’s not time yet. I can’t say it enough, so it’s becoming my mantra: “this is enough”.
Dreamers like me will recognize the push and pull in our hearts that flickers between believing that this is enough and knowing what could be. If I’ve dreamed a million dreams, I’ve only made a fraction of them reality. This excites me and lights a fire in my body, which I call ambition. I let go. I let go. I let go. The dreams may choose us, but they are not ours for the keeping. I release this one back to the Universe that gave it to me.
This one took a village; and many, many months of sweat and tears. It almost didn’t get made, but the magic was greater than any of the obstacles we faced. Thank you to the teams and departments at SCAD who hosted me and my friends to help us make this. Thank you to William and Emma for your assistance and talents in building these pieces. Thank you to Lulu, Sam, Lena, Kiersten, Jaihsen, Jackson, Elise, Hannah, and all the other students on set for your help and for wanting to learn from me. Jaya, Ben, and Lily— you guys are beautiful and magical, thank you for bringing my characters to life :) Evan, Ella, Sophi— thank you for your talents and your energy; you guys so thoroughly understood the assignment, and it was a pleasure working with you. Vegas, thank you for your lighting genius— you are magic, and I am grateful for how you always see what I see in my head. J— I don't even know where to start. Thank you for saving me 100 times over. I am forever grateful our paths crossed and I can’t wait for all the worlds we will build together. Lastly, thank you to all the people who showed up that day to watch and learn and celebrate the making of beautiful things.
I hope you choose to surround yourself with beautiful things. If you don’t see the stars in your life, let this be a reminder that you can make them; and hang them up with help from your friends, and your life will sparkle more, and things will eventually get better.
If you’re new, these are three pieces that show a range of what you’ll find here:
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As always, I hope you keep finding your magic!
with love,
