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About nothing but regarding everything.
Is anyone else exhausted? Today especially, I felt like my day had already gotten away from me before the clock struck 11:30 AM. OOOF. It’s already October 5th? What happened to the first 5 days of the month? I barely remember waking up today.
All month of September I kept wanting to write, but then I’d get all caught up “what visuals am I going to accompany my writing with?”… Then I just never wrote anything at all. I keep getting really caught up between wanting to create and having to take care of myself. For some reason, these seem like opposing concepts. Like, if I want to make some art, but I also have to feed myself breakfast, I can’t seem to be able to do both. By the time I finish doing all the things I have* to do: working out, eating, taking my dog out, showering, getting dressed, answering emails, etc etc, I end up not having enough time to make the art I want to make.
Not to mention that the days— like today — where I realize I’ve run out of my juices (a key part of my cancer nutrition plan), and I have to go to the store to buy more ingredients, I end up not really being able to get anything done because I spent the whole day “taking care of myself” and doing the admin stuff but not creating. RIP to my soul.
Okay maybe that’s a tiny bit dramatic. But seriously, it feels so disappointing and chaotic to not be able to find the balance here. It’s not like I’m not trying, I just genuinely don’t know how to structure my life!!! Is anyone in this boat with me? Can we start a support group? I’m begging.
*I consider things I have to do, the things that if I don’t do them, I physically feel like shit. But also, I recognize I need to be better about really evaluating what I include in this list because if not answering an email is giving me anxiety because I feel like I’m not in control of a situation, that’s different than not showering or working out— which definitely will affect my mood during the day. You following?
I’m trying to figure out what this Substack needs to be, wants to be… I’m figuring out how to be the kind of artist that does 800 different things and passions and still gets 7 hours of sleep a night and eats 3 decent meals a day. Maybe this is a place where I figure that out and if you somewhat can relate to this chaos in my brain, maybe my journey can be of some use to you?
I find a lot of peace in believing that the things I struggle with and am challenged by can have purpose by helping someone else. I really love writing. I wish I did it more. I think I would if I didn’t get so in my head about all the other things I also want to do. I want to do so many things and then I end up doing nothing.
This is usually the time when the mean side of my brain loves to roll her eyes and call me a failure. But luckily for me, the magic side of my brain has more real estate, so she shoots back with: “GRACE! GRACE!! give yourself some grace, girl!!”. Jesus. It’s a battlefield up there most days.
September was a sneaky MF. I thought I was doing fine and then I went on a trip with my best friend to visit my partner at the beach and then had a massive panic attack that left me feeling drained, bruised and severely HANDLE WITH CARE vibes. It be like that sometimes. What can you do?
Maybe that’s why I’m so exhausted. Maybe I’m still coming down from all that energy. After all, September was just a mere 5 days ago… it takes the body some time to move stuck energy and bad energy and to let that shit GO. I mean I know this. I’m practically an expert in this. For the past year, my spirit’s been wanting to go, go go, and do all these big dreams I keep dreaming and my body’s like “nahhhh girl I’m not ready, take me to heal by the sea”.
I feel this pressure to do, to make, to move… fast, like I’m running out of time or like I’m trying to win a race. But I’ve always been about quality, over quantity. And I know it’s true that “slow and steady wins the race”.
So these are just some thoughts. There’s nothing else here today. Just thoughts.
Oh and this bit of advice I found in the “Resources” section of Substack. It feels appropriate to end with this:
Just in case you want to read the whole thing, I’ll link it below. It’s really so good.
Wishing you all some magic,
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